Be careful what you wish for
by Ladydragon Guinevere
Summary: Continuation to MSCL, but different: darker. Pity-party starring Jordan, Angela and Rayanne, turning into RAPE. Rejected, confused and shattered. Please, R&R if you like it!
1. The Rejects

__

**Be Careful What You Wish For… By Lady(dragon) Guinevere**

**_Warning: rated 'M' for Rape…_**

_Takes place about 2 months after the final episode of My So-Called Life, every chapter is sort of a separate songfic. The characters aren't mine, obviously. They just live inside my head for a while…_

_I meant to continue after these 3 chapters, but I'm not sure I will. It's finished in a way, even though I had some good follow-up ideas. If you like it, please R&R! _

_Written in Jordan's POV_

**Chapter 1, The Rejects**

_She says her love for me would never die  
But that'd change if she ever finds out about you and I  
oh - but her love is cold  
It wouldn't hurt her if she didn't know cause...  
When it gets too much - I need to feel your touch_

_I'm gonna run to you_  
_I'm gonna run to you_  
_cause when the feelin's right I'm gonna run all night_  
_I'm gonna run to you_

_She's gotta heart of gold she'd never let me down_  
_But you're the one that always turns me on_  
_You keep me comin' round_  
_I know her love is true_  
_But it's so damn easy makin' love to you_  
_I got my mind made up - I need to feel your touch_

_Run To You, by Bryan Adams_

Outside, in Vertigo's parking lot, a familiar scene took place. Jordan Catalano and Rayanne Graff were leaning against a red convertible, swapping drinks and talking to each other. The letter-incident took place about 2 months ago and little change had occurred since then. Both Rayanne and Jordan were still left out of Angela Chase's life, though Angela treated Jordan considerably better than Rayanne.

Like a silent agreement, running into each other at 'Vertigo' the last few Friday nights had become a habit of some sorts. Jordan and Rayanne sought each other's companionship because misery loved company. None of their remaining friends understood them, thus they took comfort in each other.

Downing the last few drops his beer bottle contained, Jordan started stammering to no one in particular. "You know, I like, asked Angela if she… if she… Made her mind up yet. So she like, told me that even though she had, you know, feelings for me, she still needed more time. She wants us to be friends, or something."

Holding out her flask to Jordan as some sort of peace offering, Rayanne huffed up her nose. "At least she like, talks, to you, Catalano. She's still completely like, ignoring my existence. She probably thinks I'm like, the fungus on the shit from the flee that like lives on this stray-dog with scabies or something."

Ignoring Rayanne's confusing confession, Jordan persisted his monologue. "I can't like, be friends with her, I just… can't. I'm not like, this Brain kid who keeps like, following her around, like, hoping she'll *see* him, you know? That's not me, that's not what's like, supposed to happen. These things like, don't happen to me, they like, *don't*!"

Sliding his back down the side of the car, Jordan plunged down to sit on the floor, his head leaning backwards and his eyes shut. He pressed the palms of his hands to his forehead, fingers pointing upwards. He rested his head into his palms like seeking sanctuary, then uttered, "Fuck… I'm fucking wasted, all because of her. Why does it like, hurt this fucking much? "

While trying to lower herself to Jordan's level, Rayanne tripped over her own feet, quickly waving her arms around like a startled chicken to keep her balance. Eyeing her feet like they just betrayed her, she shook her head and got another flask from her coat pocket. "But… at least my trusty friends Johnny, Jack and Jim never *ever* let me down, do you, guys? You're always around, even if I like, ignored you for a little while. Don't worry though, Momma's back now, boys." Rayanne caressed the flask in her hand before planting a big kiss on it.

Jordan VO: _"I know how much Angela like, hates it Graff's like, drinkin' again. But fuck how can she like, expect someone to be like, some way when she doesn't even like, care anymore? It's not like I care or something, I mean, not for Graff. She's just, you know, easy going and fun. Doesn't like, expect me to be all perfect." _

Raising her index finger suddenly, like she just figured out the solution to world famine, Rayanne fixed her eyes upon Jordan's. "You know Catalano, who else we should like, invite to our pity-party? I mean, besides my pals Johnny, Jack and Jim, obviously… Krakow!"

Like someone tackled her, Rayanne's legs unexpectedly collapsed underneath her. She crashed down, landed besides Jordan on the cold cement floor, giggling at first and moaning with pain shortly after .

"Krakow?" Jordan looked at Rayanne dumbstruck before lighting a cigarette and taking a deep drag from it. He closed his eyes while the smoke filled his lungs, then blew out tiny streamers of fog.

"Yeah, you know, Brian Krakow? The tutor that like, helped you declare your everlasting, undying love to Angela? Or wait, was it like, *his* everlasting, undying love for Angela?" Tapping her index finger at her lips, Rayanne looked up, pretending to be thinking really hard. Shaking her head to get rid of her so-called contemplations, she picked up where she left off. "Anyways, he's got like, every right we do, to, you know, be here." Swiftly, Rayanne snatched the stub away from Jordan's grasp and inhaled deeply.

"Oh, you mean Brain." In return, Jordan pried the flask from Rayanne's clasp while tucking a strand of hair behind his ear with his other hand.

"Duh!" Rayanne drew in once more, the stub wedged in-between her fingers becoming smaller and smaller with every drag, until it almost burnt her fingers. Flicking the stump away, she blew out the last bits of smoke and went on talking, "You know what we should do, Catalano? We should like, start a band, you know? We could call it, like, 'The Rejects'. 'Cause that's what we freakin' are... We're Angela's rejects." For a moment, a haze came across Rayanne's eyes, whitening them like milk squirted into water.

Jordan VO: _"She's right I guess. Me and Angela, we still have like, thing going on, or something. But she's like, pushing me away. I screwed up and now I'm like, being punished. "_

When Rayanne blinked, the mist had vanished and her expression was neutral again. "I guess we'd be a crappy band though… Krakow plays like, this lame instrument, like, the flute or something nerdy like that. And that time I tried out for you guys, that was like… Wow, don't even get me started on that time…"

Trying to retrieve the flask from Jordan's grip, Rayanne's fingers briefly brushed over his. Embracing Jordan's hand with her own, their eyes met. Then, two pairs of eyes stared down at the hands melted together like one. After lingering there a few seconds, their eyes spurted upward, meeting once again. To both, it was like looking into a mirror. The pain they'd inflicted upon themselves, the absence of the one they loved, and the single reason they were out *drunk* once more, it was all in their eyes.

"Hey…" Shifting his body so he was facing Rayanne, Jordan reached out his hand to braid through her hair, a shy smile adorning his face.

"Hey yerself…" Slightly adjusting her position, Rayanne cupped her face in the warm, comforting hand on her cheek and smiled back.

The warmth radiating from Rayanne's eyes vanished and made way for her lust to manifest itself. Urgently, Rayanne's hands clawed into Jordan's jacket, the way a predator grabbed its prey, and she yanked him towards her. At first, her eyes studied his intense blue eyes, as if hoping to find an answer inside their never ending depths. Then, their lips crashed into each other, devouring one another as if it was their last supper.

"Ray… Rayan…" His eyes heavy with desire, Jordan cupped Rayanne's face with both hands to back out of their lip-lock. "Graff! This is… it's like, wrong. Angela's like, never gonna forgive us."

"Fuck, Catalano. Believe me, I know. It's just… I feel so *lonely*…" Rayanne whispered the last word, embarrassed to admit it. A small voice she hardly recognized as her own, continued, "I miss her… Like, so much, it just fucking *hurts*!"

Lowering his hands, Jordan drew Rayanne into an embrace. "Ssshhh… I know…" Rocking their bodies back and forth, Rayanne sobbed into the shoulder Jordan offered her so willingly, desperately clinging her hands to the cloth of his jacket.

Jordan VO: _"I miss her too, hurts like hell."_

"W-Why… why doesn't she like…" The first part was barely audible through her thick voice, then Rayanne's sobs disappeared slowly. "Why doesn't she *want* me anymore?" Her tone was harsh and loud by now, her fists slammed into Jordan's shoulders and her head popped up with renewed fire.

"Hey!" Rubbing his shoulders, Jordan sent Rayanne a filthy stare. "I'm not like, your punching bag or something!"

Slapping her hand over her mouth, Rayanne's initial realisation at what she'd done transformed into laughter at the whole situation. "Wait, you're not? You sure? Absolutely? How do you like, explain this then?" Mimicking a professional boxer's punches, alternating her right and left fist, Rayanne playfully knocked Jordan.

"Hey!" Throwing his hands up in an attempt to parry Rayanne's attacks, Jordan duck sideways. Lowering his arms, he stretched them out to grab Rayanne's waist. Squealing as if she saw a mouse, Rayanne surrendered when Jordan's hands began to tickle her. A long series of giggles erupted from her mouth, answered by a brash grin from Jordan. When the laughter died, Rayanne's attempt to throw Jordan another frisky punch, was prevented when his hand firmly wrapped itself around her fore arm. A slow, victorious smirk was displayed on Jordan's face before he loosened his grip on her arm. Plopping down, their connected limbs landed atop Jordan's knees. Gently, his fingers started rubbing back and forth over Rayanne's arm, increasing their span stroke by stroke. Pulling her arm away as if a scorpion just stung her, Rayanne sent Jordan a short, intense stare before launching herself at him.

Rayanne's lips crashed onto Jordan's, biting, probing, wanting him even closer. She cupped his jaws, drawing him nearer, her tongue coming out to play. Licking over his soft lips, she tasted one of her dear old friends, Johnny, Jack or Jim -she didn't know, and didn't care- and felt his lips open up to her. Hungrily, she pushed her tongue inside, searching his out to taste and tease even more.

"C' mon…" Mumbling to Rayanne's lips practically devouring his, Jordan opened up the back door to his car. Without unlocking his lips, he scrambled to his feet, lifting Rayanne along with him. Her body heat surrounded him like a comforting, warm blanket. Stumbling into the car, Rayanne fell backwards onto the cold leather seat , whereas Jordan pressed himself on top of her. Reaching out behind his back, he shut the car door with a loud clank. With stealthy yet shaky fingers, he unbuttoned Rayanne's jeans. Supporting himself on one hand, he used the other one to yank her pants over her legs. Kissing her roughly and demandingly, Jordan's fingers found their way into Rayanne's panties. Her wetness set his loins on fire, and as his fingers massaged her sensitive spot he felt her hands working on his belt. Once he was unbuckled, Rayanne unzipped his pants and reached inside the denim restraint.

A husky moan escaped Jordan's lips at the feel of her fingers rubbing his dick. When his erection sprung free, he rummaged his back pocket for his wallet. He opened it up, took out a condom and tore the package off with his teeth. Once settled, he slid inside of Rayanne. Slowly at first, his thrusts became harder, and went deeper and faster. With every thrust the tension inside of him built, until he was consumed by the feeling raging through him. Rayanne fisted his hair and that gesture sent him over the edge. Throwing his head back, he groaned. "Fuck! Angelaaa…"

All of a sudden, Jordan felt the body underneath him tense. The tantalizing after-waves of his orgasm swiftly disappeared because he knew something was off. He stared at Rayanne, half expecting to see someone else.

"Catalano, fuck you! You just called me Angela… Like, again!" Her hands still entangled in his hair, Rayanne stared him down. "You did it like, the first time…" A blush crept up Rayanne's cheeks when she whispered, "Every fuckin' time you're like, with me, you call me Angela. Dunno how 'bout you, I for one lost track of the times we ended up in your backseat, but ev'ry *fucking* time you call me Angela!"

Rayanne's palms pressed into her eyes, before her hands slumped to her sides. "Look, I know, okay? It's just… you don't have to like, rub it in, you know?"

"Four." Jordan withdrew himself from Rayanne's body, zipping up his pants fast. "Five if you like, count this one too." Holding on to the handle above his head, Jordan rested his face onto his arm when he muttered, "Six, if you like… count that first time…"

Jordan VO: _"I hated myself, you know? I hated me for like, hurting Angela then. But I keep hurting her, it's like what Brain said, I have like, this… wish… this unconscious wish, to like punish her. Or me... Screw that, I never got that anyway. It's just like, ironic, 'cause the mess I made of things, that's like the reason me and Graff are like, still… Doing this. It's like, we share this like, thing, and it makes us, you know, understand each other or something. And it's nothin' like how things were with Angela. See, Rayanne she like doesn't expect anything. She's like me. The old me. It's like, not complicated, to be with her. It's easy."_

"Look, Catalano… We gotta like, stop doing this, you know?" Routinely, Rayanne put her pants back on, checked her attire and raked her hands through her hair. "If someone catches us…"

"I know…" Leaning his forehead against the car window, Jordan's eyes lost their focus.

The graveness of the situation entangling them fully now made them feel imprisoned, as if being caught in the sticky threads of a spider's web.

Jordan VO: _"It's not worth it. It's like this thing with Graff and her booze. She knows it's like, gonna kill her, maybe even soon. And it like, messes your life up, and chases people away. But you like, *can't* quit because it's like, the only *real* thing you have in your life, or something. It sorta makes you forget about your crappy life, you know?" _

"Yo, I umm… I gotta split. Amber's at home for a change and I told her I wouldn't like, be out all night. She's gonna have a fit if I'm not back soon, you know?" Her hand already upon the car door handle, Rayanne turned to look at Jordan one last time. "Bye."

"Yeah, see you around." Merely flashing his eyes over in Rayanne's direction, Jordan wasn't in the mood to move yet. Climbing out the other side of the car, Rayanne vanished and left Jordan alone in the backseat.

Jordan VO: _"Sometimes I wished I would like, just die, you know? Like, if I'll just stay here, and don't drink or like, eat, I'll die in the end, right? Life sucks, it's useless. I'm useless. Guess the old man was right after all. S'pose I deserved all those punches he gave me, for like, screwing up. It's like, I needed them, or like, wanted them even. Why else would I like, make a mess all the time… knowing it'll end with his belt flogging across my back?"_

**Thanx for R&R-ing!**


	2. Like, How You Are

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**Be Careful What You Wish For… By Lady(dragon) Guinevere**

**_Warning: rated 'M' for Rape…_**

_Takes place about 2 months after the final episode of My So-Called Life, every chapter is sort of a separate songfic. The characters aren't mine, obviously. They just live inside my head for a while…_

_I meant to continue after these 3 chapters, but I'm not sure I will. It's finished in a way, even though I had some good follow-up ideas. If you like it, please R&R! _

_Written in Jordan's POV_

_**Chapter 2, Like, how you are**_

_And I'd give up forever to touch you  
'Cause I know that you feel me somehow  
You're the closest to heaven that I'll ever be  
And I don't want to go home right now _

_And all I can taste is this moment  
And all I can breathe is your life  
'Cause sooner or later it's over  
I just don't want to miss you tonight _

_And I don't want the world to see me  
'Cause I don't think that they'd understand  
When everything's made to be broken  
I just want you to know who I am _

_Iris, by the Goo Goo Dolls_

Once Jordan opened his eyes, he gathered from his stiff neck and dry mouth he'd fallen asleep for some time. Recollecting the evening, he cursed through gritted teeth. "Fuck!"

Sliding over the backseat and opening and closing doors, Jordan shoved into the driver's seat. Holding on tightly to the steering wheel, he was well aware he wasn't in any condition to drive. Since he didn't care whether he lived or died, he decided to take a chance. He started the engine and drove off the desolated parking lot. Without really knowing where he was headed, Jordan vaguely recognized the parts of town he was cutting through. He had to squint his eyes to focus on the road, but when he did that too strongly his head started pounding. Totally unaware of the environment surrounding him, Jordan drove further through town. For some reason his eyes fell shut every once in a while, only to be abruptly opened shortly after. Despite the wish for his insignificant existence to end, gratefulness washed over him anyway when he didn't actually doze off yet.

Squinting his eyes once more at the familiar shape of a house, Jordan switched the engine off. Not having bothered to look where he parked, the car was almost standing in the middle of the street, in front of Angela's house. Still clutching the steering wheel, Jordan cast a longing stare into the direction of the house he'd driven to automatically. Hoping Angela would magically appear out of nowhere to make everything right, Jordan just sat there and waited.

Jordan VO: _"I gotta like, see her. Now. Maybe the pain'll go away."_

Getting out of the car clumsily, Jordan swaggered over to the house. He wondered why the floor wouldn't stay still under his feet and grabbed hold of everything he encountered on his way. Standing on the porch, Jordan stretched out his index finger but changed his mind. Ringing the doorbell in the middle of the night would not be a smart move. He decided to go around the back, like he'd done that night he'd told her about that abandoned house. To him, the walk over there seemed much longer now.

When he finally reached the back door, to his delight he found it wasn't locked. Jordan staggered through the house, his eyes having trouble adjusting to the dark, unfamiliar surroundings. Holding out his hands, Jordan carefully wobbled forward. Just before he reached the staircase, he knocked something over with a loud thump. "Crap!" Frozen to the spot, he discerned a light being ignited on the landing right above his head.

"Who's there?" Angela's voice sounded a little groggy and insecure. "I've already called the police."

Not sure whether he should make himself known or simply go away, Jordan tried to sneak a peek of Angela. Hanging on to the banister, he leaned forward as far as possible and looked up to see a flash of the red hair he'd longed to see all night.

"Jordan? Is that you?" The insecurity was still audible in her voice, but she spoke more steadily.

"Angelllaa…" A hoarse voice he didn't recognize as his own, still turned the sound of her name into the most precious thing on earth. Betrayed by his sweaty fingers, Jordan's hand slipped from the banister and caused him to lose balance. His feet sort of tripped over the stairs and he fell flat on his face. "Fuck!"

"Jordan? Oh my God!" This time the insecurity in Angela's voice had turned into panic.

Before Jordan knew what had even happened, he looked up at two small feet. Grinning a very lopsided grin, he allowed his eyes to travel upwards. He could almost see underneath her red plaid PJ's from here.

"Jordan! I'm up here! Guess you're not in much pain of you're still interested in…" This time, her tone was sarcastic, harsh and disappointed. Jordan was amazed at all the different tones in Angela's voice. He was even more surprised he could make them out, despite the rest of the world being hazy to him.

Jordan pushed himself upward and stayed put. Tucking some stray hairs behind his ear, his fingertips grazed his face and he flinched. He welcomed the numbness the liquor was responsible for, it would've hurt a lot more otherwise.

"What are you doing here?" Looking down upon Jordan, Angela's arms were crossed over her chest. "You know, you're lucky my parents and Danielle aren't here… I heard you like, a mile away. Are you drunk or something?"

"I guess…"

Jordan VO: _"Okay, so I'm here. I'm too wasted… to make sense. Too many questions. She looks… kinda sexy though… Wonder what kind of underwear…" _

Tilting his head, Jordan allowed his eyes to travel up Angela's thighs as far as her PJ shirt would let him. When her PJ's obscured the rest of her body from his vision, her voice startled him.

"Jordan? Come on, you have to go." Angela extended her hand to help Jordan up.

Grateful Jordan got hold of her warm hand, and squatted. Even this tiniest form of contact, her warm hand in his, sent little jolts of electricity coursing through his body.

"Don't wanna go home." Still a bit unstable, Jordan had gotten to his feet. Dying for an even closer encounter, he wrapped his arms around Angela and drew her close to his chest. "Mmm… Your hair smells like… like strawberries."

"And you smell like you went for a midnight swim in a tank filled with whiskey." Struggling to get out of his embrace, Angela pushed her fists in Jordan's chest and backed away a little.

"Please Ange… Just… You know…." Cupping Angela's face in one hand, Jordan's gaze went over her eyes. "C'me on…" Inching his face closer to hers, he pouted his lips slightly and kissed her full on the lips.

Murmuring against his lips through gritted teeth, Angela tried to fend Jordan off. "Stop, Jordan. Don't. You're drunk, it's late and I can't."

"Just one kiss, please? Then I'll like, go… okay?" Jordan's voice sounded smooth, his eyes begged her in all their blueness. He placed his lips over her mouth once more, imprisoning her tiny frame in his strong embrace.

Jordan VO: _"Oh man, I gotta have her. All this time I like, waited and waited, but fuck! I want her so much it hurts!" _

Angela's lips were soft and smooth and didn't protest to his. Hungrily, Jordan tasted her sweetness and innocence. Opening up his lips, his tongue came darting out, forcing its way inside Angela's hot and wet mouth. Exploring her warm, damp cavity, he encountered her tongue, eagerly caressing his. It felt like time stood still for a while, the world stopped spinning and Jordan's life didn't suck anymore. She was responsible for that, until she withdrew her tongue and lips from their kiss. Immediately, it felt like they had amputated a limb, he needed her kiss to survive more than ever.

"Look, I don't know why I… why you… why this like, happened, but you gotta go."

Jordan's arms no longer held Angela, instead she held his hand. Her eyes darted up to his, then she averted them shyly, eyeing her feet like they were the most interesting thing on the planet all of a sudden.

Jordan VO: _"Maybe if I could like, find the right words, for once, I could like convince her or something. Fuck man… why would I want like, easy and fun when I could like, have *her*? Look at her! She's worth it. It's just not fair to like, make me want her like this and then… stop."_

"I can't. I'm not supposed to drive, you know?" Picking her chin up, Jordan forced his eyes deeply into Angela's.

Jordan VO: _"Maybe she'll get lost in my eyes, most girls are like, crazy for them, apparently. Maybe she'll… Maybe… Wow, just look at her. Look at those amazing green eyes. She's doing it. She's doing it again. She's expecting things I can't give her."_

"So how'd you get here?" Like he was the greatest miracle she'd ever seen, Angela's eyes still looked into Jordan's.

"Umm… I umm… I drove." Almost swallowing the last word, Jordan was afraid to admit he drove here anyway, while he just claimed he shouldn't. He was scared his plan might fall through and Angela would somehow see through the reason he actually drove in the first place. The fact he didn't care whether he lived or died if she wasn't in his life.

"You *what*? In this condition? You could've like, gotten into a some horrible crash!" Pushing Jordan off violently, Angela crossed her arms in front of her chest again.

"So you *do* care for me?" Jordan's eyes started to twinkle as he pried Angela's arms open and wrapped them around his back.

"You know damn well, Jordan Catalano. I just need time. More time." Angela rested her head on Jordan's shoulder.

"How long, Ange? My life sucks so much right now, you have like, no idea." Nuzzling her hair, Jordan rested his head atop Angela's and inhaled her strawberry scent deeply.

"Don't know. I really wish I did, you know?"

Pecking a tiny kiss on her hair, Jordan started to caress Angela's back. One hand went up her neck, his fingers drawing small circles upward. Reaching her hair, his fingers braided themselves into it like they never wanted to let go.

"Don't. This is… confusing." Trying to wriggle free from Jordan's embrace, Angela watched Jordan's eyes travel over her hair.

"Why are you like this?" Jordan's voice was soft and silky. Unlocking his stare from her hair, Jordan met Angela's eyes.

"Like what?"

"You know, this. You. Keeping me out."

"I'm not keeping you out."

"You are. We're not together, are we?"

"God Jordan, don't you get it? You like, hurt me so much I wanted to *die*! You can't expect people to like, forgive and forget something so big just like that!" Angela backed into the wall, away from Jordan.

"I know, I guess. I'm sorry."

Jordan VO: _"Why can't I like, tell her I *get* her? I wanted to die too, man, I still do. And if she'd hurt me like that, I'd kill myself instead."_

"You should leave your car and walk home. Or drive, I don't care." The liveliness had vanished from Angela's eyes, reminded of the pain Jordan caused her once more. She turned her back on him and walked up the stairs. "Go, please."

For a few seconds Jordan watched Angela walk further away, then he reeled up the stairs as fast as his shaky legs could carry him.

"I'm sorry. Please stop." Grabbing Angela's hand when she had just reached the landing, Jordan twirled her to face him. "I hope you can like, forgive me, you know, like… someday."

"Maybe. Now I just wanna go to bed, I'm tired. Bye Jordan." Turning her heels to take off, Jordan still held on to Angela's wrist and stumbled after her over the landing. "Could you like, let me go please?"

Like he wasn't even aware of gripping Angela's wrist, Jordan looked down on it non-comprehending. Flinching away when he finally understood, he quickly took a few steps back.

"Night, Jordan." Turning her back on Jordan again, Angela walked in the direction of her bedroom.

Nailed to the floor, Jordan watched her ever diminishing figure until she slouched through the door.

**Thanx for R&R-ing!**


	3. Shattered

____

**Be Careful What You Wish For… By Lady(dragon) Guinevere**

**_Warning: rated 'M' for Rape…_**

_Takes place about 2 months after the final episode of My So-Called Life, every chapter is sort of a separate songfic. The characters aren't mine, obviously. They just live inside my head for a while…_

_I meant to continue after these 3 chapters, but I'm not sure I will. It's finished in a way, even though I had some good follow-up ideas. If you like it, please R&R! _

_Written in Jordan's POV_

_**Chapter 3, Shattered **_

_Spend all your time waiting  
For that second chance  
For a break that would make it okay  
There's always one reason  
To feel not good enough  
And it's hard at the end of the day  
I need some distraction  
Oh beautiful release  
Memory seeps from my veins  
Let me be empty  
And weightless and maybe  
I'll find some peace tonight_

_In the arms of an angel_  
_Fly away from here_  
_From this dark cold hotel room_  
_And the endlessness that you fear_  
_You are pulled from the wreckage_  
_Of your silent reverie_  
_You're in the arms of the angel_  
_May you find some comfort there_

_So tired of the straight line_  
_And everywhere you turn_  
_There's vultures and thieves at your back_  
_And the storm keeps on twisting_  
_You keep on building the lie_  
_That you make up for all that you lack_  
_It don't make no difference_  
_Escaping one last time_  
_It's easier to believe in this sweet madness oh_  
_This glorious sadness that brings me to my knees_

_Angel, by Sarah McLachlan  
_

Jordan VO: _"I've like, never been inside Angela's bedroom. I wonder what it looks like? I wonder what she looks like, in her bed, all beautiful and lazy."_

Like a peeping Tom, Jordan softly opened up the door and looked around the room. Despite the darkness, he could make out Angela's room was cluttered. The floor was covered with piles of things, probably clothing. Through the window on the wall opposite the door, a small beam of light led the way to Angela's bed. The light shone upon her hair, providing the red with a glowing look. His fingers were itching to touch those red streaks, to sniff up their strawberry scent.

All of a sudden, Jordan found himself over by Angela's bed, staring at her. He wondered if she could have fallen asleep this quickly, it had been just a few minutes ago she walked through the door. Carefully, he reached out and brushed over her red hair. Next, his fingers stroke her cheek until Angela tossed her head aside. Jordan withdrew his fingers and watched her with curiosity.

Abruptly, Angela's eyes shot open, she inhaled sharply and sat up. "Jordan!"

"I just… I'm sorry." Sitting beside her on the bed, Jordan rose his fingers to continue his exploration like nothing had happened.

"You're scaring me. Stop this. Go." Angela slapped his hand away like it was an annoying fly.

"Don't be scared babe." Lovingly, Jordan eyed the beautiful creature in front of him and wanted nothing more than to be with her. Cupping her face with one hand, the other on the back of her neck, he forced her face towards his. Greedily, he pressed his lips onto hers, ignoring her murmurs.

Her hands pushed at his chest but he persisted, caught up in the moment.

When her shoves broke their lip contact, she screamed at him. "Stop it Jordan, now!"

A lazy grin spread around his mouth, his sultry stare directed at her eyes. "C'me on Ange. You like, want this too."

"No I don't! Go away or… or… I'll call the police!" Angela crawled away from Jordan, until her back hit the bed board. She drew her knees up to her chest and wrapped them up in her PJ shirt tightly.

"I'm sorry, okay? One more kiss, please?" On hands and knees now, Jordan crept over the bed towards Angela. When his face was inches away from hers, she took a swing to slap him in the face.

Jordan grabbed her wrist and when Angela wanted to hit him with her other hand, he grabbed that one too. Pinning her hands over her head on the bed board, he lay his free hand underneath her back and pulled her further down. Straddling her, he crushed his lips onto hers, never once loosening the grip on her wrists. Thrusting his tongue at her lips, she didn't give in and her mouth remained closed. Her knees slammed into his back in an attempt to free herself so Jordan swung his free hand round his back to pin them down.

"Stop it! Let me go!" Angela's eyes sparked with fury as she eyed Jordan.

Looking in her eyes, Jordan told her, "You're like, so beautiful, you know that? I'll let go, just… Relax, okay?"

Jordan let go of her legs and wrists, then curled his hand through her hair. His hand caressed her face and slid down, brushing her neck. Further down, Jordan unbuttoned her PJ top and slid his hand in between the fabric to touch her breast.

Startled, Angela sucked in some air at the contact Jordan made with her breast. "Jordan…" her voice sounded unstable and yammering.

Jordan VO: _"Oohh… she feels so soft, so warm."_

Unbuttoning her PJ top further, Jordan held his breath when she almost naked in front of him. Her skin was pale and looked so creamy he felt himself harden even more. Lowering his head, Jordan brushed his lips gently over Angela's upper body, sliding his tongue to taste her wherever he could. He lapped at her nipples, one by one, and when he heard Angela moan he felt encouraged to go on.

Feeling up her soft skin, Jordan's fingers encircled Angela's belly button, then circled down to her panties. Stroking over the fabric that was the final barrier, Jordan felt Angela's wetness through the material. Pushing down the panties with one hand, he studied her shape when he felt Angela's wrists wriggle inside of his hand. He wasn't sure how they'd gotten back there, but he had a firm grip on them once again. Detaching his eyes from her figure, he fixed his eyes upon her face, questioning.

"P…please, don't Jordan. I beg you." Her lips quivered when Angela spoke.

"But… You're…" Jordan's finger pointed towards her centre, letting her know she was wet and willing for him.

"Please. Not now, not like this." Desperation was written all over Angela's face.

"Ange, don't be afraid. I won't hurt you." Jordan felt confused, her body said one thing, her mouth another. She wanted him, he was sure of it. He needed her, now, or he'd die.

Pushing down her panties completely, he started stroking her most sensitive spot. Sliding his fingers down, he found her insides and snuck a finger in. Moving it up and down, he added another finger and felt how wet she was. His erection was throbbing and he longed to feel all of her around him. He retracted his fingers and unbuttoned his fly, releasing his member from the denim restraint. He positioned himself over Angela, softly nudging at her centre. His eyes stayed fixed upon her face, though they didn't have eye contact. Angela's head lay sideways, and her eyes were closed. When Jordan moved his erection inside of her, he could see a little tear glistening on Angela's cheek. He waited for a while to allow her to adjust, before he pushed himself in further. Closing his eyes at the incredible sensation of her tightness, Jordan let out a low and husky moan. This way, he didn't notice Angela's squinted eyes and soft sobs.

Moving in out of her, Jordan felt the feelings inside of him build up and rise to the point of no return. The waves intensified until it felt hot lava was coursing through his entire body. Then, he fell over the edge, something inside of him exploding in a million little stars, blinding him, crippling him, taking over his entire being. A very low moan escaped his lips as he rode out his orgasm. The numbing feelings slowly ebbed away, turning into blissfulness. Once his senses came back, Jordan was aware of reality again.

Withdrawing himself from her cradling warmth, Jordan quickly pulled up his briefs so he wouldn't spill all over her bed. Looking down on Angela, Jordan was taken aback when she was shaking and trembling, not to mention weeping loudly.

Jordan VO: _"What the fuck? Why is she like… Oh my God, I hurt her. She was… And I… And now she's… And I… Fuck, what did I do?"_

"Oh Ange, I'm sorry. I…" Like it was becoming a habit, Jordan hurt Angela and couldn't find the words to express his feelings. The crime he committed became clear to him just now, clear as glass. Glass… that's how fragile Angela looked, shattered glass to be exact. A million little pieces of crushed glass, her teardrops glistening on every, tiny piece. Angela's misery was displayed like a kaleidoscope, and dazzled him beyond belief. How could she still look this beautiful and mesmerizing when he had injured her so bad only moments ago?

Jordan VO: _"Oh my God, I can't believe this. Now what? There's like, no fixing this. Not ever. I thought I screwed up before, you know, but this is major. Nothing Brain like, writes, can fix this. I blew it."_

"Fuck Angela. I didn't mean to…" Grasping his hair, the situation dawned on Jordan fully. Angela's captivating appearance had been replaced by the horrifying truth. Which partially happened because the liquor's numbing effect had worn off.

Falling back on his butt, Jordan wrapped his arms around his knees and rocked himself back and forth. He felt like crying, screaming. But he didn't deserve to do those things. She did. Angela. She was the victim. He made her the victim. Eyeing her, he wanted to ask her if she was okay. Her increasingly loud sobs were satisfying enough as an answer.

Jordan VO: _"Of course she's not okay, you idiot! You *raped* her for fuck's sake!"_

"Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck…" Still rocking his body back and forth, caught in his own embrace, Jordan felt desperate. He didn't know what to do, where to go. He couldn't face Angela anymore, knowing what he'd done. He couldn't get himself to walk away either. He had to know she would be okay.

"Ange…" Stretching his hand out to lay upon her, she yelled at him. "Don't touch me!"

Still crying so hard her breathing hitched, Angela wrapped herself much like the way Jordan had done. Rocking back and forth, her lips trembling, tears streaming down her face. "Go… away… Jordan. I… never… wanna… see… you… again." Interrupted by her wails, she managed to tell Jordan to get out anyway.

"I guess I deserve that", Jordan whispered.

Jordan VO: _"My life is like, officially over now. Fuck me and my fucking hormones!"_

"Will you be okay?" Climbing off the bed, Jordan turned to face Angela.

"Like you care…" One swift, sharp, deadly stare hit Jordan straight in his heart. If looks could kill…

She averted her eyes yet again and that hurt Jordan even more than her words. To see the pain he caused her. He left her room, flew down the stairs and went out the backdoor. How the hell could this have happened? He ran towards his car and just sat behind the steering wheel for a while, his stare going up to Angela's bedroom window. After some minutes, Jordan started the car and drove off.

Jordan VO: _"Maybe I should like, go into rehab or something. Fuck. Man, what did I do? I hurt her so bad. I thought… No, I didn't think. I'm a fucking screw-up who doesn't deserve to live."_

Occupied with his thoughts, Jordan didn't pay much attention to the road. Due to the hour of night hardly anyone was in the streets. Some street lights didn't work and most traffic lights blinked orange so drivers had to watch out for themselves. Jordan didn't see the curve up ahead, and once he realised he had to steer mighty fast or he wouldn't make it, the tree was already there. Smashing into it violently, Jordan's car came to an abrupt halt. The only noises after that were sizzling and dripping, instead of the earlier crickets and bird songs. Besides those sounds there was the shrieking of metal, other than that it was deadly quiet.

After what seemed like forever - dawn was already starting to break- something inside the car moved.

Jordan VO: _"What the hell.. happened? Fuck, I can't move. Man, my arm hurts, and my legs… I can't feel my legs. Oh fuck my head's hammering like crazy!"_

Trying to lift up his hand proved to be quite a big challenge. With every inch, pain soared through Jordan like a thousand stabbing knives. Once his hand had reached his head, his face felt wet. When he looked at his hand he noticed it was red, no doubt with blood. When looking beyond his hand, Jordan saw the tree that was so close to him, the hood had to be seriously shortened.

"Fuck, not my car!" Jordan exclaimed. Looking around, he observed being totally alone and in the middle of nowhere. Trying to move, he found out he was stuck. Or, that's what it felt like. It looked like the dashboard was hugging his upper body, and the cracks that ran over the window had to be the cause of his hammering head.

"Fuck man. I'm gonna die in here. I'm gonna die and I like, deserve it. I'm gonna die and I'm gonna like, go to hell for what I like, did to Angela. I'm gonna die and she'll think I'm a screw-up. Fuck you, Catalano, why couldn't you just like, tell her you love her instead of fucking raping her!"

The pain surging through his head and body was too intense and Jordan had difficulty staying awake. His eyes fell shut, only to fling open again accompanied by big gasps. He wanted to go to sleep, he felt the darkness tugging at his feet and it was like the best thing that could happen now. To let that darkness surround him, and stop the pain. It much resembled being drunk. There was oblivion, and there weren't any sounds. Even the crappy thoughts, the echoes of what he'd done today, starved out. It was blissful and peaceful and there was no judging.

Before Jordan sank into total darkness, a new sound brought him back. A jittery, high-pitched, repetitive sound that made him nervous because he associated it with bad things. He knew the sound, but couldn't remember what it was. He couldn't remember anything. Nothing but the redhead's face in his mind. The redhead he loved… Until the redhead vanished into the darkness, and got consumed by the utter blackness surrounding her.

Jordan wanted to go after her when the shrieky sound came closer, it was deafening. He couldn't take it. He wanted to go into that dark place, and already felt the oblivion wash over him. Perfect oblivion. And then the redhead's face came closer again. And she told him she forgave him, and reached out her hand. He grabbed it and they took off, her hair dancing on her shoulders, a genuinely happy smile playing on her beautiful face.

**The End... for now anyway. Thanx for R&R-ing!**


End file.
